I’ll get to the story. But first, here’s the text of our Craigslist ad that went viral. Enjoy.
We’re selling our 2005 Ford E350 XL Extended 15 passenger van. Photos attached. In the interest of full disclosure, here’s more information and a partial list of its issues. Please read before making an offer. Thanks!
The van is missing a speaker in the side door. My kids have been throwing random items in the speaker hole for years. So, you may end up with some very special treasures. Or really old chicken nuggets. Probably both.
One side of the van has a yellow scuff mark on it. That’s courtesy of me and a battle with a yellow concrete parking divider (I did not win). The other side of the van has a matching white scuff mark. That one is courtesy of my wife. She completes me. In related news, you know how most cars these days come equipped with a fancy backup cameras? This one does not.
My wife and I have used this van for the better part of a decade. We’re a lovely couple, but we sometimes inadvertently back into inanimate objects. Also, we’ve been forced to take defensive driving class a few more times than the average American. That said, there are a number of other minor scratches, dents, and places where the paint is chipped on this vehicle.
When you open the side doors, the rubber door liner is detached in some places. It still does its job, but it looks stupid.
The van came equipped with automatic door locks. Unfortunately, they no longer work. Somehow, something got reversed and the locking motor ran without ceasing until the button was pressed and held down. Rather than taking the van to a repair shop like a normal person, I duct taped the button down to keep the motor from running. At some point the duct tape failed and the motor ran until it eventually burned up or something. Anyhow, the automatic door locks don’t work. Each door must be locked and unlocked manually. Duct tape is not included.
We’re a family of 11. Every one of our children has thrown up in this van at some point in the past decade–most notably, on this trip: http://www.joshwoodtx.com/college-station-2015/. We have had the van detailed a couple times since then (shout out to Xtreme Auto Re-Styling Center for tackling a level of depravity unrivaled in the world of passenger transport.) The van is clean now, but it will probably always be inhabited by the ghost of vomit past.
The automatic windows work! This is good because the air conditioner does not. Well, it sort of works and sort of doesn’t. It works fine until you accelerate past ~45 miles per hour. After that, the gas pedal essentially functions as an on/off switch for the air conditioner. Accelerate = AC off. Decelerate = AC on. I don’t understand why. But, then again, as you’ve probably gathered by now, I don’t understand most things about cars.
The windshield is cracked.
There’s a 20″ TV mounted to the ceiling. It works and is connected to an in-dash DVD player. This is a handy feature as it helps distract kids from the intermittent air conditioning and smell of decaying chicken nuggets.
I don’t think that the front speakers work. Actually, just assume that they don’t. Better yet, if you’re wondering if some particular part of the van works, just assume it doesn’t work in the way that Ford originally intended it to work.
I looked the van up on Kelley Blue Book. $4,396. Unfortunately, Kelley Blue Book only allows me to choose between the following conditions: excellent, very good, good, and fair. I chose “fair” since “sad” was not an option. I’ve adjusted my asking price accordingly.
The heater works. Also, the van has a hitch and wiring for a trailer.
In order to save myself a bit of time answering requests for more information, I’ve decided to add a FAQ section below:
FAQ
Q: “Have you performed all proper maintenance and religiously changed the oil every 3,000 miles?”
A: [laughter] No. No, I have not. Does this article make you feel better? It made me feel better. https://www.nytimes.com/2010/09/11/your-money/11shortcuts.html
Q: “Are those 143,000 miles mostly highway miles?”
A: Well, a lot of them are. However, we’ve been using this van as our farm van for the past year or so. Also, in efforts to find quicker routes, I’ve been known to disobey Siri’s directions. These “shortcuts” have sometimes taken us on exotic, off-road adventures. I’m pretty sure those miles cancel out all of the so-called “highway miles.”
Q: “Is the registration current?”
A: Yes! It should be noted, however, that the first 3 letters of the current license plate are FRT. We have five boys under the age of 12 in our house. This is a very unfortunate combination.
Q: “How are the tires and the brakes?”
A: They seem to be ok; but, as with everything else, I recommend getting them checked out. I did buy the tires at Discount Tire, so there’s a warranty with them.
One last note: I recommend getting this thing checked over by a mechanic before buying. Everything under the hood looks and sounds fine to me; but, then again, I would have no idea if it didn’t look or sound right.
And without further adieu, here’s how that post came to be…
During the summer of 2018, the time had come to part ways with our 2005 Ford van. I dreaded the whole van selling process for a myriad of reasons. Cleaning. Describing. Posting. Haggling. To quote the venerable 2012 internet sensation, Kimberly “Sweet Brown” Wilkins, “Ain’t nobody got time for that.” Also, big family van years work like dog years: 1 year of wear and tear in our world = 7 years of wear and tear in the world of normal human vehicle usage. Our van was basically 91 years old. It wasn’t hard to predict how the dreaded sales process would go. It would go as follows.
I would post an ad on Craigslist. A potential buyer would read the ad and express interest in the van. The two of us would take valuable time out of our respective schedules and arrange a time to meet. At this meeting, some variation of the following conversation would occur:
Potential buyer: "So, how's the air conditioning?"
Me: "Well, about that...."
Potential buyer: "So, how's the sound system?"
Me: "Well, about that...."
Potential buyer: "What else is wrong with it?"
Me: "You're going to want to have a seat. This is going to take a while."
Ain’t nobody got time for that. I only had time in my schedule for exactly one of those conversations. In an effort to save time for everyone involved, I decided that I would opt for full disclosure when creating the ad. Sure, it would take a little more time initially, but it would save me an enormous amount of time in the long run. So, I got to work. My wife and I sat down and I started typing. We laughed and laughed as we discussed the van’s many issues and the stories of how they came to be. “No one is ever going to buy this thing,” we agreed. Oh well. We’ll post the ad anyway. If no one is interested in a couple weeks, we’ll lower the price and try again. I uploaded a few unprofessional photos and clicked “post.”
What followed was unbelievable. We never imagined that our pathetic old van would soon give the internet a good laugh as well. Within 24 hours of posting the Craigslist ad, messages were pouring in from across the country. Families were sharing eerily similar stories. People we’d never met were thanking us for the laugh. Many were even suggesting fixes for the van’s many problems. The whole thing was such a blessing to us. So fun. We loved reading the stories. It restored my hope in society’s use of the internet.
Among the messages were a surprising number of “you should write more!” messages. After a couple weeks, I finally convinced myself to write a book based on the now-viral Craigslist post. Struggle Bus: The Van. The Myth. The Legend. was born.
A few articles about our terrible van:
https://www.yahoo.com/now/father-nine-looking-sell-van-184106139.html
https://www.news9.com/story/38752947/hilarious-craigslist-ad-for-van-going-viral
https://www.thedad.com/dads-hilarious-craigslist-ad-for-family-van-goes-viral/
Haven’t read or listened to Struggle Bus yet? Click below to grab a copy or 20 today. Available as an audiobook (Audible), paperback, or ebook (Kindle).
Did you sell the van‽ Darned cliffhangers
Josh, this was great