On our present sufferings, part 4...
Here’s last week’s post for context: On our present sufferings, part 3…
Assuming there is a God (and it is worth noting that plenty of people smarter than I have come to this conclusion as well), why is there suffering? How could a good God possibly allow suffering?
Christianity holds a fairly broad answer to that question. (I’ve inadequately compared other religions’ views on suffering here: Pain, Suffering, and Religion, so I won’t repeat those thoughts here.) In Christianity, suffering isn’t as simple as bad karma or bad luck. There are a number of potential reasons for suffering in this world. For one, a central tenet of Christianity is that everything in this world is fractured, broken, imperfect, and in need of salvation. So, some suffering in this world is simply a consequence of living in a broken world. Some suffering, however, is more of a “refining” or “correcting” type…a kind of suffering to be embraced rather than avoided. It’s a kind of “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” type of suffering designed to form you into a better, stronger person.
“It's the very things we run from, avoid at all costs, dread, medicate, and deny that hold the secret to our liberation.” - John Mark Comer in Practicing the Way
The Bible is clear that some suffering, however, is not a “refining fire” type of suffering. No, some suffering is caused by attacks from evil forces. Still other suffering is self-inflicted from stupid life choices. And, other suffering is an odd and painful combination of broken world, evil, refining, and self-inflicted suffering.
Sometimes, hindsight sheds light on the reasons for human suffering. Sometimes, biblically speaking, people look back on their suffering and understand the “why” of their pain. Other times though, suffering is not to be understood (or can’t be understood) by humans during their lifetimes.
If I’m being honest, I don’t like that I don’t have answers for our present suffering. I really want to know why our son continues to suffer. I want to know the purpose for him enduring thousands of seizures and the purpose for him enduring nights like this one. For context, I’m typing this paragraph in 5-10 minute bursts between seizures and/or suctioning out Isaiah’s trach so that he can continue breathing. (Side note: I’ve found that praying/typing helps me stay awake. Many of these Substack posts are typed in a similar way—in short bursts over the course of at least one sleepless night.) It’s 6 am now. I began typing this paragraph an hour ago at 5am when I traded off with my wife. She had been up with Isaiah managing seizures and his airway since I went to sleep at 1:30am. It’s been another very, very long night (unfortunately, we’ve had several this week). Judging by our boy’s heart rate and the frequency of strong seizures, something has been hurting him. He can’t tell us what part of his body hurts or if he is anxious or scared. We’re left to spend hours trying everything we know try: stretching, repositioning, hand holding, music, adjusting vapor and oxygen settings, administering meds, etc. It isn’t an exaggeration to say that “torture” is the right word to describe nights of watching our wonderful boy suffer; and, we’ve endured countless hours and many nights just like this one (and many far worse).
My wonderful son deserves more than this; and, I can’t help but wrestle with the question: “Why, God? Why?”
At the same time though, in the midst of my wrestling, I can grasp the fact that my meager little mind might not be capable of understanding the “why” now…or ever. I don’t like it; but I can grasp it. If I understood everything that has happened and will happen to us during our brief stint on this planet—and every potential reason for every event God allows to happen (both good and bad)—I suppose that level of comprehension would put me on the intellectual level with God. On the same note, if I knew what was best for everyone and humanity collectively—the specific trials that would refine people, the successes that would propel people forward, the education that would enhance people’s natural gifts, etc.—I suppose that would put me on the level with God as well. I’ve been wrong too many times in my life for that to be true. I was wrong too many times yesterday for that to be true. Wrong about myself. Wrong about others. Wrong about what would make me happy. Wrong about what would make me sad.
The fact that life doesn’t make sense to me right now doesn’t mean there isn’t a God out there who holds all the brokenness or a God out there who has a plan…a good plan…a loving plan. So, I continue to lean into my faith as I ponder, anguish, and question. Faith in a higher power—a higher power who knows more, sees all, orchestrates everything, and has a plan—continues to be a source of deep peace in the midst of our present suffering. I don’t have to know the “why”, because I have faith in the “Who.”
“This is God's universe, and God does things his way. You may have a better way, but you don't have a universe.” — Vernon McGee
To be continued next week…